A Plea for Order
Please don't dismember your father, and leave bits all over the shed.
He was a tidy man all of his life, and should remain so when he's dead.
Gather him up in a garbage bag, remember, the collection's at two,
Please leave the potting shed just as you found it, for others are following you.
Just because you're a parricide,
It doesn't mean that you can be untidy
Make the world a nice place to live,
For others are following you.
Don't have a bonfire with mother, if you live in a smoke-free zone
You'll bring disgrace on the family, and lower the neighborhood's tone
Just feed her into the furnace, that way you'll save energy too,
Please leave the garden just as you found it, for others are following you.
Just because you're a matricide . . .
Please do not poison your brother, for that might be hard to explain
Just get him drunk on rye whisky, and then shove him under a train
One thing that you should remember is to have him insured ere you do,
Please leave Amtrak just as you found it, for others are following you.
Just because you're a fratricide . . .
Don't have a cookout with Baby: he's so small, he'll only serve six.
The steaks that you get will be paltry, he's hardly got ribs or drumsticks.
You'll find that he'll go much further served up in a hearty ragout,
Please leave the dining room just as you found it, for others are following you.
Just because you're an infanticide . . .
Please don't go slashing your jugular, and dripping all over the floor,
Don't cut your wrists at the bathroom sink, and cover the faucets with gore
Just take a large dose of sleeping pills, then faint with your head down the loo
Please leave the bathroom just as you found it, for others are following you.
Just because you're a suicide . . .
Don't shove the Queen in a blender and turn the control to puree
Then neglect to clean out the container, remember, that's not the right way
Before you flush her down the toilet, retrieve the crown jewels from the goo
Please leave the throne-room just as you found it, for others are following you.
Just because you're a regicide . . .
When you break up the Tea Party, you should follow tradition, I think.
Dump them into Boston Harbor, then stand by and smile as they sink.
Throw in all zealots and bigots — their number is more than a few
Please leave the U.S. more tolerant tnah you found it, for others are following you.
Just because you're a pesticide . . .
© Heather Wood, 1984 – 2011
Recorded by Peter Thiesen on Caterwauls (at Noreascon 3), Wail Songs, 1990
(return to Heather Wood home page)